What is it about the finish that makes us completely dismiss the journey?
For a long time, I only knew the delight and divinity of an orgasm that came from self-love lessons involving my hand or my favorite vibe with the assistance of a top trending porn video of the day. And get this, I was completely fine with that. I became sexually active years later and even when I realized that he'd always orgasm, and no matter how long we went, I just wasn't going to arrive the same way he did. Again, I was completely fine with that. No bullshit. It wasn't until he made me feel that it was a problem that I realized it was a problem.
I did some research and realized that it was a "problem" for many women - most women in fact. Masturbation sessions could always have us coming and going. Vaginal penetration sans clitoral stimulation? Not so much. It's not something that most men understand, probably because it's not something a lot of women understand about their own bodies. Personally, though, even after that, I wasn't entirely interested in bringing my vibrator to bed with us or trying to remember how to synchronize my hand movements with our thrusts in the throes of passion. I just wanted to surrender to the act, but he was obsessed with knowing that he could do to me what I could do for him, and so...I faked my orgasms.
For his sake, I faked it. And for the couple of guys that followed that relationship, I faked it with them too. Never for my pleasure, always for their egos. I reflected a bit after a bout of celibacy and told myself that I'd never do that again. Either my future partner would find confidence and pleasure in the pleasure he gives me.
Ironically, some time after, I ended up having the best sex of my life with the man that gave me my first real deal holyfield vaginal orgasm. No hands, complete surrender, pure and unadurated comfortability. Everything was just so easy, and he never pressed me to arrive, I just came.
Three years later, and it continued to be the best sex of my life, whether I orgasmed or not.
As women, I feel that we're constantly told what to do and who to be and I guess I wanted to write this to let women know that it's okay to be the kind of woman who is okay with not having an orgasm. Sure, magazine articles, outspoken celebs, and sex experts alike tell us the power of the orgasm and encourage us to demand them from our partners in order to truly tap into our feminine prowess and sexual power. But, what do you think? What do you want?
Is it only a matter of the grass is always greener theory or a fear of missing out or are orgasms during penetration truly what your heart is after?
While I encourage women to explore their bodies, find their hot spots and what's most pleasurable to them, and while answer questions of how to orgasm when they genuinely have them, I have to wonder sometimes if lack of orgasm is really the culprit behind lackluster sex. I've had amazing encounters in my days before my big O experience that didn't include orgasms that were equally pleasurable and soul-stirring, even if not toe-curling. I wonder if, in those instances, comparison rears its ugly head yet again to silently nudge women into a direction that emphasizes that their bedrooms are missing something just because there's no climax.
You're not running, you've already arrived sis. Are you in the moment? You are there with your partner, making sweet love, communicating through each other's bodies. Are you listening? Are you truly feeling the sensations that you feel while you are being entered again and again, that incredible fullness, that delicious high? Bathe in the now instead of thinking so hard about when the climax will come. Let go.
Great sex is consensual. Great sex is passionate. Great sex is connectivity. Great sex is spiritual. Great sex is respect. Great sex is surrender. Most of all, great sex is the ability to be present with the person you're giving yourself to and who is giving themselves to you. It's an exchange of energy and should be fully indulged as such. I swear every time I have sex with someone I am truly connected to, it feels like renewal, like we're kindred spirits who have reconnected after having lost each other so long ago. The intensity is like nothing I've ever felt. That's not orgasm, that's presence.
Therein lies the key.
For the women out there who don't experience orgasms while having sex, you're not alone. And if it's truly something you are trying to find a solution for, you will find it. But, if you're like me, and value the act itself more than the idea of the conclusion, just let go and surrender to the experience. You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you, and you don't have to feel pressured to come, just be. You're still bomb, don't let a man or an article tell you anything different.
You'll orgasm when you are ready to orgasm. Or you won't. Always remember to enjoy the ride.